Last night I wrote that I tend to screw things up with major crushes and that sounds like a pity thing but I realized that that’s not true. I fucking rocked with one of my major crushes. I nailed that one. That’s the one time where I really feel like I did everything right and that ended because she liked someone else. Oh well.
Yesterday, I bought a book for the first time in two years and for some reason I feel pretty proud of the fact that I did. Two years ago I bought Denis Leary’s Why We Suck at Barnes and Noble for $15 and that’s part of the reason why I don’t buy books often. I love the book (I really think girls should read this if they want to understand guys, or maybe just me). I’ve read it once and I’ve let other people borrow it. Asides from that, it just sits there collecting dust. I rarely re-read books, which is why I don’t buy. I’m always checking out books from the library though.
Right now, I have A Clockwork Orange, Talking To Girls About Duran Duran, and The Road checked out from the library and I really want to get through these so I can move on to The Silver Linings Playbook which is the book that I bought. I bought it because I have some attachment to the movie right now and the things I’ve read about the book made me feel like I need that book in my life right now. The fact that it’s the movie tie-in edition kind of bugs me because I hate when a movie’s poster is on the cover of the book (have you guys seen the cover to The Great Gatsby? It’s fucking atrocious! I’m sure the book sells fine without Leonardo Dicaprio’s face on it.) but I gave in because that’s the only edition I’ve been able to find and the movie’s poster isn’t so bad.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m really excited about reading. I’ve always been an avid reader since I was a child. There was a point between the 5th and 7th grade where I wasn’t reading but I got back into the habit after reading A Clockwork Orange, The Catcher in The Rye, and American Psycho in one summer (heavy shit for a 12/13 year old).
I stopped reading A Clockwork Orange because I found that I wasn’t too interested in it (even though I’ve considered it to be my favorite book since my first reading. I need to reevaluate this) and I kept thinking that I could be reading something new. I moved on to Talking To Girls About Duran Duran because I tend to go through such books much faster than fiction and a book about a man’s exploration of life and love through music sounds like something I could relate to. The Road is next because it looks like a really short and easy read and I’ve been wanting to read a Cormac McCarthy novel and then I move onto The Silver Linings Playbook.
I eventually want to build a library. There’s a library in the house I imagine myself living in and it’ll most likely consist of books that I bought used. I know that I’ll buy A Clockwork Orange at some point even though I couldn’t make it through this reading and I’ll buy The Catcher In The Rye and Choke and other novels that I consider to be my favorite but I don’t know if I’ll ever read them again and that’s why I don’t like buying books.
I do a lot of things on my own because I find myself being annoyed by others quite frequently. I don’t have an issue with doing things alone. I don’t mind going to the movies alone. It’s something that I do frequently. Sometimes it’s because I want to see something that none of my friends are interested in ( like To The Wonder), sometimes I just want to go see a movie and leave, and sometimes I just don’t want to wait on anyone or deal with them. Not to say that they’re complicated but sometimes I just want to watch a movie on my own.
Sometimes I take trips to Hollywood on my own because I just want to discover and wander and see what happens. Sometimes, I’ll go out and eat on my own because I want to try a certain thing. It’s not that I’m anti social but I just don’t want to wait on others.
But lately, I’ve been feeling alone. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family because my grandma’s in town but I just feel alone. I don’t know if it’s the loss of my dog or something else but I just feel alone. The last time I did a “Victor” thing I brought a friend along but I feel pressure because I’m never sure if they’ll enjoy it or not.
I have two tickets to go see A Band Called Death next week and I really only needed one but I always reserve two just in case but I really have no clue who to take and I don’t want to go alone. I’ll probably figure that out as the date approaches or mention it on Twitter just in case anyone in L.A didn’t get one.
Nine Inch Nails is also playing in November and I can’t wait but I don’t want to go alone. The only other person I know who likes Nine Inch Nails lives in Sioux Falls. I kind of don’t want to take the train or drive on my own and sit on my own to see one of my favorite bands. I want to experience that with someone who’s just as excited as I am.
I guess I should seek out my friends more. I should make more of an effort to talk to them as well.
You know when you’ve been masturbating so frequently that you tell yourself that you should stop for a while and you actually do stop and you surprise yourself because you’ve gone so long without masturbating, days, weeks, months, so long that you decide to masturbate to reward yourself for holding off so long and it becomes one of the most incredible orgasms that you’ve ever experienced?
That’s what the new Nine Inch Nails single feels like to me.
Don’t mind me. I just feel like writing. I don’t know what to write about though. If you put topics in my ask box, I’ll write about it.
A lot of the coolest people I’ve ever met, I’ve never met.
Jessica was pretty fucking awesome. I “met” her in the 8th grade. She was my first major crush and like all of my major crushes, I screwed up. I didn’t ask her out in time because I wanted to do it in person and a lot of people ask me how I could really like someone who I’ve never met but the conversations that she and I had were incredible. We just clicked and she looked cute in her Myspace pictures. Every time that we did try to meet, something would happen on her part or my part but that was the first time that I felt a strong desire for someone. And I never met her.
Josh is awesome. I was on Omegle in December because that’s usually where I go when I don’t want to talk to anyone I know and I bumped into him. He didn’t disconnect because I was a male and we had the geekiest fucking conversation where we made fun of people who didn’t know about the difference between digital and IMAX and the fact that The Hobbit was being projected at 48fps. Anyways, we talk frequently on Facebook and our conversations are about anything and I feel comfortable telling him anything.
And then there’s Jake. Jake’s the best. I also met him in 8th grade on Myspace because he’s a huge John 5 fan and my video of his Guitar Center clinic was the first one to hit the web. I’ve never met him because he lives in Sioux Falls but we’ve grown pretty close over the years and I genuinely consider him one of my best friends. We don’t talk frequently but we catch up every now and then over a very lengthy phone call. I remember him calling me after my middle school graduation and it was also his high school graduation. Now, my high school graduation has passed and he’s one of the few people who’s stayed in touch throughout. He’s lasted longer than several of my actual friendships. He wants to come in L.A towards the end of August because he applied for Musician’s Institute and I’m really excited about the fact that I might finally meet him.
I kind of want to buy better gear. Definitely a better amp. I’ve had the same guitar and amp for 5 years and there’s nothing wrong with this asides from the fact that I bought them together in one of those starter packs from Guitar Center for about $200. The guitar is okay. It sounds fine, it stays in tune, it’s taken some beatings and it still looks alright but it has it’s limitations because it was designed for beginners. It would make a good backup though.
If anything I definitely need a new amp. The 15w solid state just isn’t cutting it anymore and it clips when I turn the volume up. I really want to start experimenting with tone and right now I’m limited to my multi-effects pedal which makes my amp sound much better than it is but the pedal and my guitar would probably sound better through a better amp.
Part of the desire for better gear is because everyone in the band seems to be pretty serious about the band and there’s also that desire to sound better. I know that better gear isn’t going to make me better, but I really want to start playing around with sound.
But then I ask myself if I’m good enough to justify getting a better guitar and amp. I wouldn’t consider myself a good guitarist or a musician. I’ve never taken lessons but I think I’d be much better now if I did. I certainly think that I can hold my own when playing with others and I can pick things up fast.Chris is a far better guitarist than I am and we’ve been playing together since middle school. Two months ago, I found myself playing hair metal with one of my cousins friends. I’m always rhythm because I can’t pull of leads but I’m perfectly content being that.
I’ve never been disciplined either. Every time I pick up a guitar, I just want to learn something new. A new style, a new song, a new technique. It’s usually just been for shits and giggles.
I don’t know where I’m going with this but that’s what’s on my mind right now.